~Austin never stood a chance~

The heat shimmers across the field, and through the waves of gold I see her, a flicker of movement turning into something familiar. Her hair whirls in the breeze, wild and untamable, like it always was. She’s wearing my white polo, the one that disappeared off my clothesline last week; half-buttoned, fluttering behind her like a flag representing her casual theft. 

Cutoff jeans, sun-kissed legs and that smirk that always warned trouble was coming.

She slows when she reaches the porch, but her smile hits me full force. Then she’s in motion again, running, leaping into my arms, pressing a warm kiss right between my eyebrows.  

“It’s been so long since we walked to the old willow,” she says breathlessly. “Come on. Let’s go.”

Some things you don’t question. You just go.

We follow the narrow path through three-foot-high wheat, the air thick with sunlight and nostalgia. I almost forget that trouble was born in a woman like her, until she glances back, walking backward with sassy sweetness.  

“So…” she starts, “I saw that little tramp from Austin dropped by yesterday.”

I wince. “She’s not a tramp,” I protest, trying for dignity but mostly sounding caught. “She just wanted to get to know me. Which is fine, since, you know… no one around here seems interested.”

She stops dead, making me walk right into her orbit. For a second, she’s just staring up at me, eyes flashing like a summer storm about to break.  

“What if I say she can’t get to know you?” she asks, jaw set, hair falling across her face like a curtain she’s too angry to push aside.

Behind that look, I can see the truth; the fear hiding inside that fury. The same fear that’s always made her love come out sideways. She’s afraid of me turning into another version of him.

I step around her, heading up the hill, voice low. “You sure don’t seem that interested in knowing me yourself.”

Behind me, the wind hums through wheat. I glance back and see her still standing there, hands on hips, chewing on a stalk. The breeze grabs a few strands of her hair and tosses them across her face, defiant and beautiful.

Then comes the sound; quick, sharp, growing louder. Bare feet hitting grass like a hunter’s drumbeat.

She tackles me from behind, and we go tumbling under the willow’s sweeping arms, crashing into laughter and the scent of crushed grass.

She pins me down, hands gripping mine, tears spilling over from eyes turned molten red with pain. “I do know you better than she does,” she spits between breaths. “She didn’t buy you bright clothes when all you owned were fifty shades of boring gray. She didn’t put your picture on her bedroom wall so her kids could get used to seeing your face. And she sure as hell didn’t sit freezing under a poncho sharing stories with you until dawn.”

Her voice breaks, raw and shaking. “She doesn’t love you so much she can’t sleep without you there.”

Her chest heaves. Tears fall; her words hang heavy in the warm air.  

“That empty spot in your bed,” she whispers, “it’s mine, damn it. Don’t let anyone else in it.”

I reach around her, lift her up, hold her tight. The fight melts away, replaced by a quiet we both recognize, it’s the peace right after a storm that’s nearly destroyed everything.

We sway under the willow’s low branches, its leaves brushing against us like soft applause. Eventually, she laughs; a breathless, wicked sound.

“What’s funny?” I ask, half-laughing myself.

She tilts her head, grinning through the remnants of her tears. “Austin never stood a chance.”

~The years we've yet to share~

There is this girl I love. It's not your everyday kind of love but she's not your everyday kind of girl. You see we are separate but she has touched the deepest part of me... loved the unlovable things and brought a colorful light to my darkest place. Though we are apart I never feel alone. I just soak in the beautiful warm memories we made together.
I dream of that lazy afternoon when she will once again join me in my pick-up truck, hit the dirt road, windows down, music up, her feet on my lap, her head out the window with the warm summer breeze in her hair.
I want to pull up to our spot on the beach and watch her dance barefoot in the sand, grab her, pull her close, swaying slowly in the moonlight, her head on my chest... lost in a long soft embrace.

As I lay here miles away, as the night grows heavy and my body begs for sleep... my heart; it keeps me awake.
It longs for her, it has always known her, it is lost without her... it misses her so.
Her last words to me still linger in my head
When she speaks I can't hear anything else.
Nothing could distract me, I hang on her every word.
She has become a warm safe place where life's fears and love's disappointments fade.
Her spirit comes to me at night and whispers reassurances of love to my heart. She knows it misses her and it knows she won't abandon us, not now... before we truly start. So I wait here. Remembering the passionate kisses we had. Reminiscing about the sweet love we made and cherishing the years we have yet to share.
I pray today she will be in my tomorrow,
holding my hand at my life's end.

~If she were gone~

She smiles for the camera the way she always does, not out of vanity, but because she knows what it does to me. She sends me photos on her lunch break, little reminders that I’m still on her mind, that for now I’m still the lucky one.

We fell asleep on the couch together, tangled up so close with my cheek rested against hers. The movie made her cry. They kissed in the end and found their way back to each other. She asked if I would wait for her, if I would run to her if she ever disappeared from my life. I told her, “My love, I never could have let you go,” and I held her until sleep finally took us both.

She takes such care with her makeup before we go out, always wanting to look perfect for the world. But when we come home, she washes it away, slips into sweats and my old t-shirt, and curls up in my lap like it’s the only place she belongs. Her head rests against my chest, and she smiles up at me with a nakedness no one else ever sees. Her softness, her unguarded self… she gives that only to me. I hold it gently, knowing how fragile and valuable it is.

Some nights, when my eyes refuse to close, I just watch her sleep. I wonder what dreams are visiting her and hope they’re kind. Her question echoes in my head, what would my life be without her? The answer feels like a hole I can’t look into long for fear of falling in. The tears come, and I let them fall, because the truth is I know she won’t always be here. One day, she’ll fade from my world, and I’ll be left holding the shape of her in memory.

But then I wipe my eyes, kiss the warmth of her sleeping forehead, and wrap my arms around her again. Because tonight, this one small night, her breath is steady, her body is close, and her love is still mine. And for this moment, that is enough.